How Prayer Helps Strengthen Relationships in Good Times and Heal Relationships in Bad Times

     Whether you are a newlywed couple or have been together for decades, you realize that in order for your relationship to continue to flourish, you need to treat it differently. When you realize that something is treasured or sacred to you, your viewpoint about what it means to you changes also. Since I was married, I treasure my relationship with my wife above all else and the things that we do together. But the thing that has kept us on the same page is praying together.



     I understand that this is one of those simple things and seems so insignificant that it shouldn't really matter right? In a talk by Elder Joe J. Christensen, he gives several pointers to help with our marriages:

1. Remember the central importance of your marriage. Listen to these words from Elder Bruce R. McConkie on the importance of marriage in our Father in Heaven’s “great plan of happiness” (Alma 42:8):

“From the moment of birth into mortality to the time we are married in the temple, everything we have in the whole gospel system is to prepare and qualify us to enter that holy order of matrimony which makes us husband and wife in this life and in the world to come. …

“There is nothing in this world as important as the creation and perfection of family units” (“Salvation Is a Family Affair,” Improvement Era, June 1970, pp. 43–44).

2. Pray for the success of your marriage. In order to recognize our personal problems or weaknesses which hinder us from being better marriage partners, we should come to the Lord in prayer and reap the benefits of this powerful Book of Mormon promise: “If men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness…; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27).

And so the need to pray. Many Church leaders and marriage counselors indicate that they have not seen one marriage in serious trouble where the couple was still praying together daily. When problems arise and marriages are threatened, praying together as a couple may be the most important remedy.

3. Listen. Make the time to listen to your spouse; even schedule it regularly. Visit with each other and assess how you are doing as a marriage partner.

Brother Brent Barlow posed a question to a group of priesthood brethren: “How many of you would like to receive a revelation?” Every hand went up. He then suggested that they all go home and ask their wives how they could be better husbands. He added, “I followed my own advice, and had a very informative discussion with [my wife] Susan for more than an hour that afternoon!” (Ensign, Sept. 1992, p. 17). A conversation like that could be a revelation for any of us.

Have any of you brethren ever had your wife say something like I heard recently: “Joe, are you listening?” She wasn’t the only one who wondered if I was listening. Some time ago, I was taking a nap and our little granddaughter Allison came and lifted up one of my eyelids and said, “Grandpa, are you in there?” We should be “in there” and responsive to our mate.

4. Avoid “ceaseless pinpricking.” Don’t be too critical of each other’s faults. Recognize that none of us is perfect. We all have a long way to go to become as Christlike as our leaders have urged us to become.

“Ceaseless pinpricking” (as President Kimball called it), can deflate almost any marriage (“Marriage and Divorce,” Brigham Young University 1976 Speeches of the Year, Provo, Utah: University Publications, 1977, p. 148). Generally, each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don’t need frequent reminders. Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. If we are not careful, some of what we offer as constructive criticism is actually destructive.

5. Keep your courtship alive. Make time to do things together—just the two of you. As important as it is to be with the children as a family, you need regular weekly time alone together. Scheduling it will let your children know that you feel that your marriage is so important that you need to nurture it. That takes commitment, planning, and scheduling.

It doesn’t need to be costly. The time together is the most important element.

6.  Be quick to say, “I’m sorry.” As hard as it is to form the words, be swift to say, “I apologize, and please forgive me,” even though you are not the one who is totally at fault. True love is developed by those who are willing to readily admit personal mistakes and offenses.

When differences do arise, being able to discuss and resolve them is important, but there are instances when it is best to take a time-out. Biting your tongue and counting to ten or even a hundred is important. And occasionally, even letting the sun go down on your wrath can help bring you back to the problem in the morning more rested, calm, and with a better chance for resolution.

7. Learn to live within your means. Some of the most difficult challenges in marriage arise in the area of finances. “The American Bar Association … indicated that 89 percent of all divorces could be traced to quarrels and accusations over money” (Ensign, July 1975, p. 72). Be willing to postpone or forgo some purchases in order to stay within your budget. Pay your tithing first, and avoid debt insofar as possible. Remember that spending fifty dollars a month less than you receive equals happiness and spending fifty more equals misery. The time may have come to get out the scissors and your credit cards and perform what Elder Holland called some “plastic surgery” (Ensign, June 1986, p. 30).

8. Be a true partner in home and family responsibilities. Don’t be like the husband who sits around home expecting to be waited on, feeling that earning the living is his chore and that his wife alone is responsible for the house and taking care of the children. The task of caring for home and family is more than one person’s responsibility. Remember that you are in this partnership together. Find time to study the scriptures together, and follow this sound counsel from President Kimball: “When a husband and wife go together frequently to the holy temple, kneel in prayer together in their home with their family, go hand in hand to their religious meetings, keep their lives wholly chaste, mentally and physically, … and both are working together for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God, then happiness is at its pinnacle” (Marriage and Divorce, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1976, p. 24).

Source: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1995/04/marriage-and-the-great-plan-of-happiness?lang=eng

     Follow these steps and your marriage will continue to bloom and grow. Even if you've been married for years, you will still find out new things about your significant other. I understand that not every relationship is perfect, but you can always work on bettering your relationship all the time.

Fatherhood: Key Principles and Practices in Fathering

     Fatherhood is such a great thing to experience. As I have said before in previous posts, I am expecting my first child, a boy, in about six weeks. I am beyond excited and can't wait for the opportunity to teach my son so many great things!

        

     The title of father to me is a great job that Heavenly Father has given us to see the things that we can accomplish and the way that our children will look up to us. Now as a father, we are asked to preside over our families. According to David Blankenhorn, the author of Fatherless America, has observed: “Today, American society is fundamentally divided and ambivalent about the fatherhood idea. Some people do not even remember it. Others are offended by it. Others, including more than a few family scholars, neglect it or disdain it. Many others are not especially opposed to it, nor are they especially committed to it. Many people wish we could act on it, but believe that our society simply no longer can or will.”

     What does that mean exactly, to preside? In The Family: A Proclamation to the World, it states, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.” For myself, this seems like such a big task and I know that I'm not the only one who lies awake at night wondering what the next day will bring and what challenges will face me and my family. I sometimes worry that I won't be able to help my family in every way possible and then I think back to my father and think that if he can do it, then I can do it.

     But going along with fatherhood, you need to keep the relationship that you have with your spouse open and communication must be key to making the family work. Another big key is to pray together and invite the Lord and the Holy Ghost into our family dynamic. When the Lord is invited into the family, we are able to let the Lord guide us and our family and keep us away from those things that will harm our families.

     Now there are several things that stand out to me as a future father. I want to make sure that I am present, I provide and I protect. Some of these may not sound very helpful, but I want to point out that many youths these days have a hard time growing up without one of their parents being present in the family.

     Make sure you are there for everything major that happens in their lives. Make sure you are there for birthdays and holidays, recitals, sporting events and school graduations. These are major milestones in their lives and they want to share these experiences with you. I remember that my dad worked a lot and he wasn't there for a lot of things that happened in my life, but he was there for me when I needed him.

     The next is to provide. I understand that this life is hard enough and the thought of having to provide for not only your wife but small human beings is a daunting task. We as human beings have certain needs that have to be met such as food, clothing, and shelter and we have to manage limited resources like time, and energy. It's a struggle and there are days that we wish that we could throw in the towel, but I know my father enjoyed coming home to see us kids and rest from his shift at work.

     The last is to protect those that are under our care. All of our relationships require sacrifice on our behalf and I can only imagine what my parents had to give up in order to make sure that us kids had everything that we needed. And I know that they would never tell me what it was that they went without while we were kids.

     Being a parent is quite the burden, but having kids and getting to experience all the things that make them happy is worth everything that we go through.

Mothers as Nurturers

     It's quite amazing how much one person can get done when they put their mind to it, they seem like a superhero and they still have time to do other things. Sound familiar? It should because this person is all the mothers around the world! Mothers are so good at what they do that if they were paid, it would be a full-time job.

     


     I don't know this, but I think moms make it look easy as they provide for and take care of their families. I have watched my own mother juggle so many things at once and she still has time to make time for other things. Now that none of her kids are at home, she has time to do what she wants and she even has a full-time job now, but she still considers her role as a mother the best job she's had.

     The challenge that mothers face in our day and age is that the family is under constant attack from outside sources and they are challenging the way that children are raised and disciplined. Families are being condemned and the opportunity that children have to be raised by two parents are being taken away. Children are being raised by two mothers or fathers and some parents have had the police called on them for disciplining their children.

     With being a mother, since there are so many things that you have to be aware of and stay on top of, you need to make sure that you can take care of yourself first before anything else. If you find yourself tired and sick, everyone suffers in the long run. Make sure that you have a support group for yourself and make sure you have a relationship with God. When you have Heavenly Father in your life, you bring down the powers of heaven to bless your family. When you have a relationship with God, you have the ability for revelation for your family and can bless them with those things that they need. With God, you cannot fail.

Meaning and Blessing of Family Work

     I remember as a child,  being dragged into projects that my parents had going on around the house. I, of course, would whine and say that I didn't want to help and why I had to. But in the end, I always learned something and now I use everything that my parents have taught me. I have cherished each of the memories that I have with both of my parents and the priceless lessons they taught me.


                             

     Now I understand that many people didn't have the opportunity to learn things from their parents and I feel sorry for them. The fact that their parents didn't give them an opportunity to learn something new and use it later on in their life. I work in maintenance right now and we receive maintenance requests and I'm sorry, but the fact that there are people who don't know how to plunge a toilet infuriates me to no end. The fact that they have no knowledge of how things work or what to do when things stop working makes me realize that future generations have no chance of knowing what they're doing unless they take it upon themselves to teach themselves.

     Knowing some of the technical things that I do in order to help those around me gives me a sense of pride, knowing that I will be able to provide for my family if the need arises. Back in the "old days" prosaic work (meaning commonplace work) was the norm for many people and they looked forward to spending time with family members and learning new things. With the rise of technology, the amount of time that families spend together has shrunk immensely. This has led to dysfunctional families and a rise of children acting out.

     Now a family does not need to have a perfect system for chores, for example, my parents tried charts and marking off what we did every week. When that didn't work out they would just remind us of when things needed to get done, such as mowing the lawn and they tried allowances but I guess us living under their roof was payment enough. When I didn't know how to figure something out, my parents were always there to guide me step by step and make sure that I understand what I was doing.

     I understand that this will not work for every family, but work to see what works for your family and continue to improve upon it. Just make sure that your children see work around the house or chores as something that will bless them later on in life. And when they come to you saying that you were right, then you can tell them "I told you so".

Repentance and Forgiveness in the Family

      I'm sure you've seen it before, you have a child that breaks something in the home or something else happens that causes you to lose your cool. Understandably, kids don't know that what they're doing is wrong until you react to what they've done. Now there are specific ways that you can respond to what your child has done. According to the Child Mind Institute, they have the ABC's of behavior management:

• Antecedents: Preceding factors that make a behavior more or less likely to occur. Another, more familiar term for this is triggers. Learning and anticipating antecedents is an extremely helpful tool in preventing misbehavior.
• Behaviors: The specific actions you are trying to encourage or discourage.
• Consequences: The results that naturally or logically follow a behavior. Consequences — positive or negative — affect the likelihood of a behavior recurring. And the more immediate the consequence, the more powerful it is.

The Child Mind Institute goes on to talk about antecedents to avoid and others to embrace. Here's what they say:

• Assuming expectations are understood: Don’t assume kids know what is expected of them — spell it out! Demands change from situation to situation and when children are unsure of what they are supposed to be doing, they’re more likely to misbehave.
• Calling things out from a distance: Be sure to tell children important instructions face-to-face. Things yelled from a distance are less likely to be remembered and understood.
• Transitioning without warning: Transitions can be hard for kids, especially in the middle of something they are enjoying. Having warning gives children the chance to find a good stopping place for an activity and makes the transition less fraught.
• Asking rapid-fire questions, or giving a series of instructions: Delivering a series of questions or instructions at children limits the likelihood that they will hear, answer questions, remember the tasks, and do what they’ve been instructed to do.

Here are the ones that you should embrace:

• Be aware of the situation: Consider and manage environmental and emotional factors — hunger, fatigue, anxiety or distractions can all make it much more difficult for children to reign in their behavior.
• Adjust the environment: When it’s homework time, for instance, remove distractions like video screens and toys, provide snacks, establish an organized place for kids to work and make sure to schedule some breaks — attention isn’t infinite.
• Make expectations clear: You’ll get better cooperation if both you and your child are clear on what’s expected. Sit down with him and present the information verbally. Even if he “should” know what is expected, clarifying expectations at the outset of a task helps head off misunderstandings down the line.
• Provide countdowns for transitions: Whenever possible, prepare children for an upcoming transition. Let them know when there are, say, 10 minutes remaining before they must come to dinner or start their homework. Then, remind them, when there are say, 2 minutes, left. Just as important as issuing the countdown is actually making the transition at the stated time.
• Let kids have a choice: As kids grow up, it’s important they have a say in their own scheduling. Giving a structured choice — “Do you want to take a shower after dinner or before?” — can help them feel empowered and encourage them to become more self-regulating.

Source: https://childmind.org/article/managing-problem-behavior-at-home/ 

      Now I don't have any kids of my own as I'm writing this to you, I am expecting my first coming this August and I know that disciplining my child will probably test my sanity, but there are right and wrong ways to go about it. I remember as a kid, that my parents would spank me when I was younger and then as I got older they would sit me down and try to talk to me about the situation. But in some ways, I think they did it wrong (Don't get me wrong, my parents are awesome, but they weren't perfect), but I would just sit there and not respond to them as they tried questioning me about what it was that I had done wrong.

     Now we have to remember that repentance and forgiveness is an interactive process that leads from one to the next. First, we must facilitate forgiveness, meaning we make an active effort to forgive those that have done us wrong. Next, that will motivate us to repentance. Or as the scriptures put it in short terms, reprove when necessary, but afterward, show an outpouring of love. 

     According to the Worthington model of forgiveness, there are five steps that lead to forgiveness, here are the steps:

1. Recall the hurt- Try to remember the hurt without demonizing the person who hurt you or without thinking of yourself as a victim. Try to remain as objective as possible.

2. Empathize with the person who hurt you- At the level closest to the surface, empathy is trying to understand the other person’s perspective. If we go a little deeper, we can feel with the person’s emotions. If we go deeper still, we can actually feel compassion for the person who hurt us.

3. Altruistic gift of forgiveness- We give an altruistic gift of forgiveness when we realize we are like the person who hurt us in that we have hurt others, called the “guilt” phase. We follow this by seeing that when we are forgiven, we experience freedom and a sense of thanksgiving, called the “gratitude” phase. That makes us want to give the gift of forgiveness.

4. Commit publicly to forgive- Forgiveness is easiest to hold onto if we go beyond forgiving in the privacy of our hearts. We can say aloud that we forgive, write a letter of forgiveness (which we might never send), or even create a certificate granting our forgiveness (which we display on our wall).

5. Holding onto forgiveness- Painful memories can resurface if we see the person again, are reminded of the event, get hurt in a similar way by someone else, or even get stressed out. Our natural tendency is to doubt that we had ever forgiven. Remember that painful memories are different from unforgiveness, or holding on to the grudge.

Source: http://www.southcoasttoday.com/article/20080127/LIFE/801270317 

Faith in Family Life

  One of the things that I did not grow up with a lot was a sense of religion. I remember as a kid I went with one of my friends to a church gathering and it was strange to me. To give a little context, my parents did not attend church while I was growing up and we did not join a church until I was 15. Now I don't blame my parents for not raising me in a religion, but I did have many friends who were part of a church, but none of them ever invited me to come with them. Now this wasn't their fault because they didn't know that I was looking for a sense of spiritual direction in my life.

     I find it interesting to note that very many communities in this nation are held together because of the bond of religion that they have in common. The same goes for members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we come together as communities to help other members of the congregation. But it doesn't stop there, we reach out around the world to those that stand in need. The church is among one of the first to respond to natural disasters and other disasters around the world. Faith is something that causes us to act upon what we believe and pursue it to see the outcomes as Christ would.

     Now within our families, faith pushes us to follow the example of Christ and lead our families through revelation. There are multiple things that we can do as families to make sure that our faith is central to how our families operate. Things such as reading scriptures, praying (whether it be over meals, in the morning or evening, or before people leave the house), and going to church. All these things revolve around the family and brings us closer together through the experiences we share. Through my experiences and those that I've heard from others, many families have come to realize that their faith brought them closer together through whatever challenge that they went through.

     Now I understand that you don't need to have faith in your life or in your family to get through challenges. There are many people out there that do not believe in a higher power or a God-like figure and good for them! I have no problem with those kinds of people that don't believe in a higher power. I just believe that they are going through life without the extra help that some people need in their lives.

     Just remember that even though someone may share a different view of religion than you do, don't fight them to see everything your way. If we were all the same, everything would be boring and very depressing. Our differences is what makes us interesting and makes this world so amazing. I find the world so interesting and all the religions in the world make history and current events so interesting. Each of our faiths circle around a certain set of morals and while we may not agree on certain things, we should make sure that we don;t fight over these differences,

     Now I just want to focus on the family and how faith holds it together. Faith is such a great thing to help us increase our trust in the one person who knows us better than we know ourselves. Faith helps us overcome fear and become more like the person that He wants us to become. We as families need to remember that we are not perfect, but we are working towards becoming what we have potential to become.

 

Cold, Hard Facts about Marriage

     I realize that I have been painting marriage as something that is warm and smiley and everything is hunky dory. But there are things that your parents and others will not teach you before and after you get married.

                             

                              

     Now I'm not saying that there are a lot of things you have to watch for, but there are certain things that need to be out there in the open so that you know about them.

     In  our day and age, the media and the news are only showing the downsides of marriage. Couples are getting divorced on t.v., others show that one night stands and sleeping around is the norm and is to be celebrated when it happens. The thing that we need to reconsider is, are we spending enough time on our relationships/marriages to make sure that our foundation we built won't be shaken?


     Turning to a happier note, with married couples there comes with it a string of benefits. Benefits such as longer, happier lives and lower risks of depression, which lead to overall better mental health. Marriage also helps both parties by offering higher levels of social integration and is a source of emotional support  from which both spouses draw a sense of being esteemed, valued, and cared about. What things about your relationship do you cherish the most?

     Especially with the other variation of marriage that are out there, such as cohabitation, lacks the necessary building blocks and experiences that marriage offers us. Many people who live together without any intent of getting married feel like their lives are less fulfilling. They also experienced decreased levels of happiness, health, and financial security. Quite interesting how this happens, right? Why is this the case? Is there something about marriage that keeps people together and increases their chances of happiness?

     Now in my opinion, I never thought about living with another person before I was married and I wasn't even a member of the church. Now a little backstory on my life, my parents were both members in their younger years, but fell away and chose to live different lifestyles. But throughout all that time, they kept the standards of the church in their lives and raised us kids with these standards throughout our lives. It was quite interesting to see the similarities when I joined the church and how my parents raised us. But my parents have gone through ups and down in their marriage and I have seen the effects of some decisions, but they always made sure that they worked things out.

     Now I know that many people did not grow up with this being possible, but we want to make sure that in some cases we do not become like our parents. We must make sure that we exemplify the best part of our parents and drop the ones that we find less than endearing.