Going off of my previous post a little, to recap we went through what it is that young couples struggle with when it comes to dating and finding out if they're with the "right" person. Personally I have courted and dated many wonderful women and thought that I had met the "right" one, but some of my relationships never lasted long and I always wondered what it was that I had done wrong or if it was something that I said. But the purpose of this post is to help you understand what it is that you need to be looking for in that "right" person.
Let's delve deeper into how we go about finding, courting, dating and eventually marrying our eternal companion. Sounds a little scary right? An eternal companion, someone that will bug you for the rest of your life, yet our Heavenly Father has chosen that we don't go through this life alone and without any help except his to rely upon. Therefore he has provided a help meet for us in this life. The best example of this is in the Pearl of Great Price (Another form of scripture that we as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints use to further our knowledge of the gospel in these days), it states in Moses 3:18, "And I, the Lord God, said unto mine Only Begotten, that it was not good that the man should be alone; wherefore, I will make an help meet for him." A help meet, from the Hebrew phrase עזר כנגדו (ezer kenegedo) as "help meet for him" (Benner, AHRC).
Think about this, there are so many people that could be considered compatible with you. Yet you choose only one to spend the rest of your life with. So what's the deal with that? Why only choose one out of so many?
I've only had this brought to mind after I've gotten married, but there are certain things that we are attracted to in a person. First of all, we must become aware of ourselves and if we are attracted to the other person, or are we just lusting after them? This then brings you to the acquaintance phase, where you begin to get to know that persona and notice the things that make you attracted to them. For example, you like the way their face looks, or the way they smell, or the way they think about certain things. But the initial attraction needs to be there in order for the relationship to continue. So from this acquaintance springs a buildup to a relationship, what this means is that you go through your regular activities, but you do them together. This includes texting, going on road trips, or just spending more and more time together.
But sometimes what happens is that the relationship deteriorates even after doing all of these things and it's hard to get over these blows to your self esteem and who you think you are as a person. Trust me, I have experience in this category. But we want to make sure that when this does happen, we talk it out, rather than leave the other person in the dark about why this came about. So we want to make sure that if one or the other does not want to continue the relationship, we do not coerce them or force them to do something that they do not want to do. Learning from these experiences help us to grow and learn what it is we need to do in order to become that person that the "right" person will be attracted to.
If you follow these steps then we move on to marriage, but make sure that you get those steps in order too. There are several things to consider once you've made your choice to get hitched. First of all, make sure that you are both deciding to get married rather than transitioning because you feel like that's what you should do. Secondly, make sure that you receive spiritual confirmation that this is the person that Heavenly Father has prepared for you and that you have been prepared for them. If either one of you does not receive that prompting, then you should consider talking to each other and praying as to why it's not right. But if it is, then make sure that you are preparing for your wedding first and then your marriage. What I mean by that is make sure that you prepare yourself mentally for your wedding and all that ensues with it. So make sure that you include your fiancee in your decision at this time and make sure that both of your needs are met for your special day. But also make sure that you prepare yourself spiritually for your marriage. I mean that you should be preparing yourself for the rough times ahead, there will be trust me. But if you are prepared spiritually and you make sure that you and your spouse are spiritually in tune and can rely on each other when the times get tough. When you are there for each other spiritually you can get through anything.
Friday, May 25, 2018
Saturday, May 19, 2018
Young Adults and the Way to Eternal Marriage
Pathways to Eternal Marriage
In our day and age, more people are waiting longer and longer to get married with dating and courtship going out the window. This enables young couples around the world to live together without any repercussions or obligations to the other person. With this state of mind young people will be more inclined to have multiple partners and move around carefree. But this is not how our Heavenly Father wants us to live our lives and view how our relationships should progress.
The first thing that stands in the way of marriage is the idea that hanging out and hooking up are the same thing as getting to know a person. Young people are now choosing more to hang out rather than go on planned dates. Dates in the sense that the young man asks out the woman and pays for the evening out. These planned dates are becoming rarer in our day and age and with this rarity, many people are left wondering if they are a couple with how much time they spend hanging out. And because of this confusion, many people miss out on the "right" person because of confused feelings and judgments. With this in mind, we need to understand what it is that makes younger people misunderstand and misjudge the other person.
Hanging out then leads to cohabitation and the idea that living together not in the bonds of marriage. Many young people believe that this will lead to a smaller chance of divorce. Though studies have shown that cohabitation and later marriage result in more divorces than those that just get married.
But first we need to make sure that we, as potential spouses, are ready to become the right person for whomever we are supposed to marry. I remember when I was dating, people would always ask me what I was looking for in a spouse. This is another way that young couples restrict themselves in the dating age. By strictly looking for these characteristics, the young people look like they're going on a shopping spree for the greatest value with a series of ideals. What they need to do instead is become what they hope their spouse will be and they'll have a greater likelihood of finding that person.
The next thing we need to understand is the difference between love and lust. As I have looked back on my life, I realize that there were times that I was in love with the thought of being in love with that person instead of who they were as a person. Love is how we look at someone for who they really are and how they truly act when they're around us. Let's take a look at each of these and how they affect us in different ways and what effect they have on our relationships.
Love, or the ability to love, requires a combination of a sense of self-worth or personal security plus intimate regard for others. Personal security refers to a person's sense of self-importance, which involves perceptions of self-worth, the ability to regulate negative affect (i.e., depression, anxiety, or anger) and feelings of secure attachment. Without personal security, vulnerability in close relationships becomes threatening and the fear of rejection will often dictate how people behave in dating situations. Younger people are risking less and less in their relationships and finding that when they do their relationships are less fulfilling than they want them to be. So when seeking a romantic relationship it means having the courage to be open and even vulnerable to being hurt.
Lust, according to the dictionary states, "to have a very strong sexual desire for someone." Many young couples in this day and age think that lust is the same thing as lust. They come to think that when they have very strong feelings for someone, they need to stop and think about why they have these strong desires for the person that they're with. Lust tends to diminish over time and people find that the person they thought was irresistible at first becomes mediocre and boring. Love looks past a person's faults and continues to love who they are a person.
The biggest obstacle that young couples have to overcome is that of communication and the art of listening to how the other person is feeling. Jason S. Carroll has stated, "In dating relationships, when young adults do not state their true feelings or perspectives or when they lie about them, trust and intimacy cannot be developed or maintained. When the purpose of communication is to cover up, mislead, deceive, hurt, fault-find, or make someone feel guilty, relationships are damaged." This becomes evident not only in the early stages of a relationship, but can happen later on into marriage if the couple is not able to communicate properly.
When all of these things are figured out, then it will come down to when. When is a good time to get married? That is the question that many young couples have to face when they sit down and figure out their schedules and get their lives on the same track. But when is a good time? Elder Dallin H. Oaks has counseled, "Throughout your life on earth, seek diligently to fulfill the fundamental purposes of this life through the ideal family. While you may not have yet reached that ideal, do all you can through obedience and faith in the Lord to consistently draw as close to it as you are able. Let nothing dissuade you from that objective."
With these things in mind we want to make sure that we are constantly aware of how we are treating our significant other and that we are meeting their needs at the same time. If not, make sure to ask them if there is anything that you can do to improve the way that we interact and share our lives with them. With these things in mind you'll be good to go!
The first thing that stands in the way of marriage is the idea that hanging out and hooking up are the same thing as getting to know a person. Young people are now choosing more to hang out rather than go on planned dates. Dates in the sense that the young man asks out the woman and pays for the evening out. These planned dates are becoming rarer in our day and age and with this rarity, many people are left wondering if they are a couple with how much time they spend hanging out. And because of this confusion, many people miss out on the "right" person because of confused feelings and judgments. With this in mind, we need to understand what it is that makes younger people misunderstand and misjudge the other person.
Hanging out then leads to cohabitation and the idea that living together not in the bonds of marriage. Many young people believe that this will lead to a smaller chance of divorce. Though studies have shown that cohabitation and later marriage result in more divorces than those that just get married.
But first we need to make sure that we, as potential spouses, are ready to become the right person for whomever we are supposed to marry. I remember when I was dating, people would always ask me what I was looking for in a spouse. This is another way that young couples restrict themselves in the dating age. By strictly looking for these characteristics, the young people look like they're going on a shopping spree for the greatest value with a series of ideals. What they need to do instead is become what they hope their spouse will be and they'll have a greater likelihood of finding that person.
The next thing we need to understand is the difference between love and lust. As I have looked back on my life, I realize that there were times that I was in love with the thought of being in love with that person instead of who they were as a person. Love is how we look at someone for who they really are and how they truly act when they're around us. Let's take a look at each of these and how they affect us in different ways and what effect they have on our relationships.
Love, or the ability to love, requires a combination of a sense of self-worth or personal security plus intimate regard for others. Personal security refers to a person's sense of self-importance, which involves perceptions of self-worth, the ability to regulate negative affect (i.e., depression, anxiety, or anger) and feelings of secure attachment. Without personal security, vulnerability in close relationships becomes threatening and the fear of rejection will often dictate how people behave in dating situations. Younger people are risking less and less in their relationships and finding that when they do their relationships are less fulfilling than they want them to be. So when seeking a romantic relationship it means having the courage to be open and even vulnerable to being hurt.
Lust, according to the dictionary states, "to have a very strong sexual desire for someone." Many young couples in this day and age think that lust is the same thing as lust. They come to think that when they have very strong feelings for someone, they need to stop and think about why they have these strong desires for the person that they're with. Lust tends to diminish over time and people find that the person they thought was irresistible at first becomes mediocre and boring. Love looks past a person's faults and continues to love who they are a person.
The biggest obstacle that young couples have to overcome is that of communication and the art of listening to how the other person is feeling. Jason S. Carroll has stated, "In dating relationships, when young adults do not state their true feelings or perspectives or when they lie about them, trust and intimacy cannot be developed or maintained. When the purpose of communication is to cover up, mislead, deceive, hurt, fault-find, or make someone feel guilty, relationships are damaged." This becomes evident not only in the early stages of a relationship, but can happen later on into marriage if the couple is not able to communicate properly.
When all of these things are figured out, then it will come down to when. When is a good time to get married? That is the question that many young couples have to face when they sit down and figure out their schedules and get their lives on the same track. But when is a good time? Elder Dallin H. Oaks has counseled, "Throughout your life on earth, seek diligently to fulfill the fundamental purposes of this life through the ideal family. While you may not have yet reached that ideal, do all you can through obedience and faith in the Lord to consistently draw as close to it as you are able. Let nothing dissuade you from that objective."
With these things in mind we want to make sure that we are constantly aware of how we are treating our significant other and that we are meeting their needs at the same time. If not, make sure to ask them if there is anything that you can do to improve the way that we interact and share our lives with them. With these things in mind you'll be good to go!
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